Phantom Food

an empty plate With a bit of imagination there’s loads of food one can enjoy on a diet. Welcome to the unreal meal:


  • A Ethereal egg on ghost toast
  • A Nothing muffin or a None bun (served with begone butter).
  • or how about some Fantasy fruit?


  • A Fake steak with zip chips (or Mystical mash)
  • A Ghost roast (either scam lamb, sham ham or missin’ chicken)
  • Black Hole Spag Bol or Mystic meatballs
  • Spectral stew with dream dumplings


  • Air eclair
  • zero belly jelly
  • Fake cake


  • Temporary tea or con coffee (minus milk & invisible sugarballs)
  • Calorie-free cream-tea: “Non-scone, unseen cream & scam jam”
  • Tease cheese


  • Nada lager
  • Joke coke
  • Phantom fanta

The phantom food Poem:

Whenever you’re hungry or famished,
and all the food in your fridge has vanished.

Dream up a great feast to consume
with my secret ingredient: Vacuum.

Don’t laugh, its not pie in the sky,
There’s a host aplenty not there to try.

Mix 5ml of noise and with the breeze
and that’s how you make tease cheese.

Put a void in the oven and bake,
and what you’ll get is fake cake.

Kneed faux dough in with the air

and you’ll have an eclaire that’s not there.

One of the best meals to try is ghost roast,
but you’ll need your imagination the most.

You must find a whole pint of blank space,
before you can bow down and say Grace.

But the rewards are really worth the wait,
when the scamb lamb comes out on a plate.

Or if you think you’d prefer paltry poultry,
the missing chicken is one you should see.

And before your mind goes doolally
finish it all off with no belly jelly

If all this is too much to swallow,
Don’t try this last mint –

Its hollow

Jerry Bridge-Butler

2 responses to “Phantom Food”

  1. David

    Thanks for the poem…made me smile it did…

    Do you know if this poem is copywrited, I’d like to use it on one or two forums I subsribe to…

  2. Jerry Bridge-Butler

    I don’t mind if you use this poem, just give me a name check when you do.


Leave a Reply