Hundreds of Short Quotes

  • If you have nothing, are you a nillionaire?
  • If I eat myself, will I get twice as big, or disappear completely?
  • Don’t go through life. GROW through life.
  • Turning up the volume is like zooming in, but with sound.
  • Without data you are just another guy with opinions.
  • I want to live in a world where a chicken can cross a road without its motives being questioned.
  • Typo’s aren’t my biggest problem – Thinko’s are.
  • Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp, Guns aren’t lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful, You might as well live.
  • As I was going up the stair, I met a man who wasn’t there. He wasn’t there again today. I wish, I wish he’d stay away.
  • See the happy moron, He doesn’t give a damn. I wish I were a moron, My God! Perhaps I am!
  • I have something to say, it’s better to die young, than to fade away. — Highlander
  • Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die. — C.S. Lewis
  • I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff.
  • Let your day be neither manic nor volcanic.
  • Remember to keep your feet on the ground or you will fall over — William Dawson
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
  • I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
  • Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  • You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  • They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  • Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
  • The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
  • I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
  • Attitude is infectious… Is yours worth catching?
  • Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
  • Linux is like a wigwam. No Windows, no Gates and Apache inside!
  • I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Death and Taxes
  • “Go Home and be a Family Man!” Guile, Street Fighter 2
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
  • Even if a man chops off your hand with a sword, you still have two nice, sharp bones to stick in his eyes
  • “In theory, theory is the same as practice, but not in practice.” Fnord Bj�rnberger
  • “I’ve spent loads on booze and women, and I frittered the rest away”. (Ian Todd).
  • It’s like this; even samurai have teddy bears, and even teddy bears get drunk.
  • I did take a gap-year but I failed and re-sat (Ian Todd).
  • “This is the sort of English up with which I will not put”. (Winston Churchill)
  • Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
  • There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t …
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  • Gravity is a myth, the earth sucks!
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
  • 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • There is no failure except in no longer trying.
  • Think you can, think you can’t – either way you’re right.
  • Practice Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty.
  • Focus on the goal not the obstacles
  • Encourage the genius in everyone you meet.
  • If one is lucky, a single fantasy can totally transform a million realities.
  • All mans’ troubles arise from his inability to sit quietly alone.
  • Humour is mankinds’ greatest blessing.
  • Nothing is worth more than this day.
  • It’s a thinking universe.
  • There’s a lot to be said for breathing.
  • Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler. — Albert Einstein
  • I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed…
  • If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!
  • Women libbers are ok. I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.
  • Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
  • There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
  • He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn’t ordered.
  • Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman… — Woody Allen
  • If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
  • I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it. — Clarence Darrow
  • To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
  • Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else. — Bruce Cockburn
  • Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.
  • God is real, unless declared as an integer.
  • Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it’s 100% fatal.
  • Camouflage condoms: So they won’t see you coming.
  • The meek shall inherit the earth—they are too weak to refuse.
  • Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
  • Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.
  • Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired. — R. Geis
  • Hindsight is an exact science.
  • That must be wonderful! I don’t understand it at all.
  • One planet is all you get.
  • Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
  • Be different: Conform.
  • If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
  • Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  • If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
  • Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
  • There’s no future in time travel.
  • There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
  • He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn’t ordered.
  • Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
  • Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they AREN’T after you.
  • Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
  • Omit needless words. — Strunk and White
  • It was as small as the hope in a dead man’s eyes.
  • An armed society is a polite society.
  • I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way. — Jessica Rabbit
  • “How do you feel? “I don’t understand the question.
  • Unix: When you can’t afford the very best.
  • I only changed one line and it was a comment…
  • Eunichs: The operating system for real men.
  • Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
  • Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
  • No matter where you go, there you are.
  • When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe. Now that isn’t enough.
  • Fools! Idiots! Don’t they realize that they are dealing with forces beyond comprehension!
  • Reading computer manuals without the hardware is a frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
  • If it ain’t fixed, don’t broke it!
  • Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.
  • When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn’t know you meant sloth.
  • This is MY universe and I’m SICK of people BARGING IN!
  • Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
  • Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.
  • Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
  • An Apple-a-day takes my credit card away.
  • Chief weapons of UNIX: Fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency.
  • Are you ABNORMAL? Then you are probably better than most people
  • A day without sunshine is like night.
  • College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.
  • IBM: It may be slow, but it’s hard to use.
  • Photons have mass? I didn’t know they were catholic!
  • Walt Disney is not dead. He’s in suspended animation.
  • The use of ‘goto’ statements is discouraged, especially with the label HELL:
  • If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
  • I haven’t lost my mind; I’m sure it’s backed up on tape somewhere!
  • Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
  • Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
  • Minds are like parachutes – they only function when open.
  • Better to Trade Knowledge than Something of Value.
  • [Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
  • Hello! I’m a signature virus. Join in the fun and copy me into yours!
  • Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations?
  • Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.
  • Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up? Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)
  • I own my own body, but I share.
  • Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.
  • You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
  • Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
  • I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.
  • Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
  • Just when you think you’ve finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
  • Knock. Don’t ring bell.
  • It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  • Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.
  • Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
  • Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish you weren’t.
  • Wanted, Dead or Alive: Schrodinger’s Cat.
  • San Diego: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
  • My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have
    to have low ceilings for this method to work.

  • Roses are red / Violets are blue / Some poems rhyme / But this one doesn’t.
  • Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
  • It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
  • The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
  • I bought a portable cable TV.
  • It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
  • I drink to make other people interesting.
  • Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
  • Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
  • I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
  • Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. — H. L. Mencken
  • Even a mosquito doesn’t get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
  • You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
  • Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.
  • Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
  • The speed of time is one second per second.
  • I won’t have a battle of wits, I’m unarmed.
  • If P is prime, is P’ prime prime?
  • Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
  • The other day I went to the stationery store, but it had moved.
  • If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now.
  • ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
  • Practice safe government—use kingdoms.
  • Your mother’s so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.
  • Will your answer to this question be no?
  • Love is like pi—natural, irrational, and VERY important.
  • Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
  • A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.
  • Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
  • Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn’t, they would be married too.
  • I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was too late.
  • It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
  • Oh, don’t mind the tree monsters. Their bark is worse than their bite.
  • “I see!”, said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
  • It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.
  • This is a one line proof…if we start sufficiently far to the left.
  • Inside this fat body there’s a skinny person screaming to get out. I ate her.
  • “The prince wants your daughter for his wife.” “Well, tell him his wife can’t have her.”
  • Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin… — The Knights Who So Recently Said “Nee!”
  • You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people.
  • Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
  • Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
  • Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege.
  • Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
  • Don’t knock masturbation—it’s sex with someone I love. — Woody Allen
  • When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is. — A. Rand
  • Death: To stop sinning suddenly. — Ellen Hubbard
  • In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is.
  • In capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, it’s exactly the opposite.
  • If God didn’t want us to eat animals, then how come he made them out of meat?
  • Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you’re a mile away and you have his shoes.
  • God is in every man, just as the sacred Pink Invisible Unicorn grazes in every man’s soul, providing compost for new flowers to feed on.
  • Those of you who think that you know everything are particularly annoying to those of us who do.
  • I am Homer of the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is irrelevant. Preparation is irrel…MMMmmm…doughnut!
  • Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
  • If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
  • Of all victories the first and greatest is for a man to conquer himself.
  • Happiness is having a chitinous exoskeleton.
  • When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. — Griffin’s Thought
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  • Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her.
  • Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
  • Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.
  • The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
  • The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
  • It’s hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  • Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus!
  • I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
  • Sacred cows make the best hamburger. — Mark Twain
  • “Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” — Kermit the Frog
  • Of all the people I know, you’re one of them.
  • Wisdom and beauty form a very rare combination
  • The wise learn many things from their enemies.
  • The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living from the dead.
  • I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.
  • A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep.
  • Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
  • You can observe a lot by watching.
  • Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
  • Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum — “I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.”
  • Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the fool their lack of understanding.
  • Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.
  • Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves.
  • The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.
  • I will tell you the truth as soon as I figure it out.
  • Knowledge and belief are two separate tracks that run parallel to each other and never meet, except in the child.
  • To use a method is to compare the realm of mind to a stool. The true thinker walks freely.
  • I was educated once, and it took me years to get over it.
  • In order to keep an open mind, I am trying to avoid learning anything.
  • Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
  • Today’s children are required to learn what most people in former times were forbidden to know.
  • Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave.
  • Good judgement comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgement.
  • Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
  • It costs to be stupid. The stupider you are, the more it costs.
  • A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword.
  • Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
  • A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
  • Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life.
  • A man lives by believing in something, not by debating and arguing about many things.
  • Any fool can criticise, condemn, and complain — and most fools do.
  • Education is the period during which you are being instructed by somebody you do not know, about something you do not want to know.
  • The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
  • There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it.
  • If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there’s a finite number of idiots.
  • Style is an easy way of saying complicated things.
  • You are only as wise as others perceive you to be.
  • When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
  • A man who has committed a mistake and doesn’t correct it, is committing another mistake.
  • I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
  • To know is to know that you know nothing. That is the meaning of true knowledge.
  • Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
  • A fool must now and then be right by chance.
  • Learning is the evolution of the mind.
  • Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow.
  • Never stop learning; knowledge doubles every fourteen months.
  • If you never change your mind, why have one?
  • Education is a progressive discovery of our ignorance.
  • Imagination is more important than knowledge.
  • It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
  • The important thing is not to stop questioning.
  • The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  • Every man I meet is in some way my superior.
  • People only see what they are prepared to see.
  • Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
  • The wise through excess of wisdom is made a fool.
  • We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.
  • In a philosophical dispute, he gains most who is defeated, since he learns most.
  • Do two wrongs make a right? Yes. The right to be wrong.
  • He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
  • Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
  • You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
  • Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
  • It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
  • To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
  • Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else. — Bruce Cockburn
  • Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.
  • God is real, unless declared as an integer.
  • Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it’s 100% fatal.
  • Camouflage condoms: So they won’t see you coming.
  • The meek shall inherit the earth—they are too weak to refuse.
  • Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
  • Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.
  • Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired. — R. Geis
  • That must be wonderful! I don’t understand it at all.
  • One planet is all you get.
  • Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
  • Be different: Conform.
  • A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
  • Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.
  • Acid: Better living through chemistry.
  • There’s no future in time travel.
  • Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!
  • Don’t feed the bats tonight.
  • Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
  • Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
  • Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so! — Ford Prefect
  • I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way. — Jessica Rabbit
  • Computer: “How do you feel?” Spock: “I don’t understand the question.”
  • The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
  • If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
  • if i promise to miss you ,will u please go away.
  • If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
  • Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
  • Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
  • I think I exist, therefore i exist- I think.
  • Don’t even think about mooning a werewolf!
  • If you want to find low interest rates, pop into a lecture.
  • Wasting time doesn’t make difference to eternity.
  • A man is a God in ruins.
  • A man is a little soul carrying around a corpse.
  • Don’t waist your youth growing up.
  • Everybody laughs in the same language.
  • Even though it’s hard, it’s easy.
  • Money is round and rolls away.
  • There’s a bit of God in Everything!
  • Just because you haven’t seen a white blackbird doesn’t mean one doesn’t exist.
  • If I were a haircut, People would wear a hat!
  • Spring is nature’s way of saying “Lets Party”
  • The future has a way of arriving unannounced!
  • Life, Relevance, Friends
  • Modern art is a matter of not understanding what can’t be understood.
  • Perfection is a myth!
  • Death is but a sleep. But it’s harder to get up in the morning!
  • My middle name is luck. It’s a pity my first name is bad!
  • The Earth has Music for those who listen
  • Every man stands on the rich earth impaled by a ray of sunlight.
  • Wasting time doesn’t make a difference to eternity!
  • A man is a God in ruins!
  • Don’t waste your youth growing up.
  • Even though it’s hard, it’s easy.
  • Everybody laughs in the same language.
  • Genius is seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one has thought. —(Albert Szent-Gyorgy)
  • The urge to destroy is a creative urge!
  • The only things you regret in life are the risks you didn’t take
  • Mistakes are human. Some humans are mistakes. (Rodrigo)
  • Everyone’s so nice, well except when their being horrible
  • WELL HELL
  • Thank god for the Atlantic ocean!
  • University is when you get excited when mum says she’ll give you a lovely juicy joint for Sunday lunch.
  • There are never any shortcuts to a place worth going.
  • Some jobs worth doing aren’t worth doing well.
  • The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right.
  • No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
  • If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn
  • The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.
  • If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
  • My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
  • Knowing is a barrier to learning.
  • If it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all.
  • Bar-Humbug said the hum when introducing the bar to the bug.
  • Money makes the world go round; Loves spins it the right way.
  • I flew 142 missions, got shot down in every one of them.
  • I’m only happy when it rains. Pour your misery down.
  • Hack the planet
  • We like girls because they’ve all got so much in common.
  • The meaning of life is to find the meaning of life.
  • When I was young and said I wanted to be a comedian people laughed at me. But look whose laughing now.
  • There are no such things as strangers only friends that we have not yet met.
  • Nuke a gay whale for Christ.
  • I’m sure I take rowing too seriously by many peoples standard; but they are not rowing people.
  • When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
  • Everyone stands on the heart of the earth impaled by a ray of sunlight and suddenly it’s evening.
  • There’s nothing wrong with building dream castles as long as you don’t live in them.
  • A man is a little soul carrying around a corpse.
  • If you say my eyes are beautiful that’s because there looking at you.
  • You can trust Americans to do the right thing, after they have tried every other alternative (Winston Churchill).
  • Who cares if I’m fat, my body just carries my brain and my brain deserves a comfortable ride.
  • Make a cake, Plant a plant, get drunk
  • Only losers use drugs. Only users lose drugs.
  • Paint a little pig.
  • Money is round and rolls away.
  • Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree.
  • I am alpha and omega, I am the beginning and the end, I am the first and the last.
  • I don’t get wet I grow said the drip.
  • Summer is a moving creature which likes to go south for winter.
  • How now brown cow?
  • Hey, lighten up man. You calling me fat?
  • “Liberals, intellectuals, peace mongers, idiots” — Mars Attacks
  • “Got an alarm, don’t eat pork. I’m a better man.” — Mars Attacks
  • “Nuke ’em now sir” — Mars Attacks
  • “They blew up congress, ha ha” — Mars Attacks
  • “We have to strike now sir, annhilate, Kill, Kill, Kill” — Mars Attacks
  • “We don’t care cos we’ve got these shoes and this hat.” — Kiniky
  • The greatest trick the devil played was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
  • Mind over matter, if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
  • Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  • Sure, God created man before women but you always make a draft before the final masterpiece.
  • I don’t suffer from stress, I’m a carrier.
  • Your so vain you probably think this song is about you.
  • I love you from the heart of my bottom.
  • Are you a cunning linguist?
  • My stomach feels like my throat has been cut.
  • I don’t do eating (Ally Mcbeal)
  • We are out there, We control the information, We are the Knights of the internet, We are Hackers.
  • There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don’t care who gets the credit.
  • No matter where you go, there you are. — Buckaroo Banzai.
  • Isn’t fun like the best thing to have ever? — Arthur
  • When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  • A day without sunshine is like night.
  • A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
  • It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears, but only twice as many ears as noses.
  • You can’t win. You can’t break even. You can’t even quit the game.
  • If you had everything, where would you keep it?
  • Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
  • If you hear an onion ring, answer it.
  • Women: Can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em…
  • [Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
  • Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  • Someone put live piranha in our swimming pool. If we don’t swim there anymore, the piranha will starve.
  • Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
  • PALINDROME spelled backwards is EMORDNILAP.
  • Introducing “lite”, the new way to spell “light”, with 20% fewer letters!
  • I own my own body, but I share.
  • You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
  • I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
  • Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill.
  • “Years wrinkle the face, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.” –Watterson Lowe
  • “I just hate health food.” –Julia Child
  • “Seeing is deceiving. It’s eating that’s believing.” –James Thurber
  • “Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.” –Rudyard Kipling
  • “do it now. There may be a law against it tomorrow.” –Laurence Peter
  • “Life is always at some turning point.” –Irwin Edman
  • “Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.” –attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
  • “Adventure is worthwhile in itself.” –Amelia Earhart
  • “Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” –Condorcet
  • “Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around.” –David Lodge
  • “Never have children, only grandchildren.” –Gore Vidal
  • “Worry is as useless as a handle on a snowball.” –Mitzi Chandler
  • “The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.” –H. G. Wells
  • “Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.” –Arabian proverb
  • “Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.” –Lillian Ross
  • “It is now, and in this world, that we must live.” –Andre Gide
  • “I think, what has this day brought me, and what have I given it?” –Henry Moore
  • “It is enough that I am of value to somebody today.” –Hugh Prather
  • “It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to- day basis.” –Margaret Bonnano
  • “I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • “In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion…” –Albert Camus
  • “Take away leisure and Cupid’s bow is broken.” –Ovid
  • “For a thing to remain undone nothing more is needed than to think of it done.” –Gracian
  • “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one.” –Elbert Hubbard
  • “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” –John F. Kennedy
  • “A man’s worth is no greater than his ambitions.” –Marcus Aurelius
  • “Happiness is composed of misfortunes avoided.” –Alphonse Karr
  • “A man should always consider… how much more unhappy he might be than he is.” –Joseph Addison
  • “Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.” –Irving Berlin
  • “Knock the ‘t’ off the ‘can’t'” –George Reeves
  • “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” –George Eliot
  • “Sainthood is acceptable only in saints.” –Pamela Hansford Johnson
  • “The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.” –Ellen Glasgow
  • “There seemed to be endless obstacles . . . it seemed that the root cause of them all was fear.” –Joanna Field
  • “Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that ideas is not quite clear to him.” –Paul Eldridge
  • “Learn what you are and be such.” –Pindar
  • “If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.” –Goethe
  • “If you deny yourself commitment, what can you do with your life?” –Harvey Fierstein
  • “From a fallen tree, make kindling.”–Spanish proverb
  • Some pursue happiness ? others create it.
  • “Fools look to tomorrow; wise men use tonight.” –Scottish proverb
  • A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
  • “Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting.” –Christopher Morely
  • “The only problems money can solve are money problems.” –Laurence Peter
  • “Money costs too much.” –Ross McDonald
  • “Walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, sleep soundly.” –William Hazlitt
  • “It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.” –Brigitte Bardot
  • “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” –Bill Cosby
  • “That money talks / I’ll not deny, / I heard it once: / It said, ‘Goodbye.’ “–Richard Armour
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.
  • I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
  • I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  • I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  • I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  • If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  • I don’t exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
  • “This isn’t fat, it’s muscle waiting to happen”.
  • “Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts.” –Coleman Cox
  • “When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.” –Louis Nizer
  • “Using chopsticks rather than cutlery, is like using vi as a text editor” –Ed Avis
  • Earth my body, water my blood, air my breath, fire my spirit
  • Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
  • If you were a burger at McDonalds, I’d call you McBeautiful.
  • My beds broken, can I sleep in yours?
  • Can I have a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.
  • “This is a breakthrough for Art – I think” — H.G. Nelson
  • “You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.”
  • Poverty stole your golden shoes / It didn’t steal your laughter
  • Why reinvent the wheel? Because we can make it rounder…
  • It’s a moo point. Like a cow’s opinion. It justÂ… doesn’t matterÂ…. It’s moo.
  • Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your copy of Windows
  • Born Again Pagan
  • Jesus, protect me from your followers!
  • It’s not the heat, it’s the humanity
  • All things in moderation – especially moderation.
  • Truth, justice and — other stuff
  • I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
  • The instructions said to use Windows 98 or better – so I installed FreeBSD.
  • “I have an inferiority complex, but it isn’t a very good one.”
  • “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away” pkd
  • Every silver lining has a cloud.
  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  • Forecast for tonight: Dark.
  • It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  • Whatever doesn’t kill me can still bloody hurt.
  • I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
  • Baby carrots – vegetarian veal
  • Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once…
  • If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • Those who live by the sword get shot.
  • You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
  • We came, we saw, we kicked its ass.
  • How do I set my laser printer on stun?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
  • Welcome to Hell! Here’s your copy of Windows.
  • “My Lord, I have a cunning plan.”
  • Old hitchhikers never die-they just throw in the towel.
  • 42? 7 and a half million years and all you can come up with is 42?!
  • When elephants fight it is the grass that suffers.
  • A friend’s eye is a good mirror.
  • Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.
  • The reverse side also has a reverse side.
  • A dry sense of humour is better than slobbering everywhere.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who don’t understand statistics.
  • “Calm down. It’s only ones and zeros.”
  • Computers can never replace human stupidity
  • Experience: What you get when you don’t get what you want
  • This message may contain nuts.
  • You’re unique – just like everyone else
  • it is because giants were standing on my shoulders
  • Think bigger – you can’t cross a chasm in two jumps.
  • You can call it a wizard once it can do bloody magic!
  • You’re not drunk if you can lie flat on the floor without holding on
  • We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it
  • Never laugh at live dragons
  • Gravity: It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
  • People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten.
  • If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
  • Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
  • Gates’ Law: The speed of software halves every eighteen months
  • I’m gonna live forever, or die trying.
  • An eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind.
  • I love deadlines. I love the swooshing sound they make as they fly by
  • Bright and Early – choose one
  • OK, I’m weird, but I’m saving up to be eccentric.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
  • This message has been cruelly tested on cute little furry animals.
  • Write once, debug everywhere
  • I’m not as thunk as you drink I am
  • Alcohol – it’s in the blood
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • Never judge a man by his taglines.
  • Veni, Vidi, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
  • Veni, Vidi, Deja Vu: I came, I saw, I’d been there before.
  • Overweight is when you step on your dog’s tail, and it dies.
  • A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
  • Ghandi would have smacked you in the head.
  • Windows is a colorful clown suit for DOS.
  • THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.
  • There ain’t no party like an IC party.
  • Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
  • Never eat a hedgehog without peeling it first.
  • I don’t have a drink problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall over. No problem.
  • The early worm gets the bird.
  • Reality: A disease caused by alcohol deficiency.
  • It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • “My homework ate my dog.” – Genetics student.
  • Love thy neighbour, but don’t get caught.
  • 100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.
  • All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
  • You’ll never be half the man your mother was.
  • Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • “Oh, bother!” said Pooh as Piglet fell in the mincer.
  • “The chance of death improves all sports.” – Kevin Tarr
  • “Something was wrong with my rice crispies the other day. i distinctly heard ‘ snap ‘ ‘crackle ‘ ‘ fuck you ‘ ”
  • “Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.”
  • “I once tried to fly. It hurt.” – Kie
  • “No, really I don’t harm animals – but then again this is a
    poodle.” – Don Sterner

  • “harder than seeing a UFO piloted by Elvis crashing into the Loch Ness
    Monster” – Neil Barker

  • “You can’t break the laws of physics so you might as well drink
    beer.” – Danny Sichel

  • “Which, in your opinion, is the greater handicap? Being blond, or
    being deaf?” – Pizzadrivr

  • “Anything is possible in a 6-book trilogy.” – Greg Pacek
  • “when a woman shows you her middle finger then it does *not* mean she wants to marry you.” – Tilman Hausherr
  • “By clever use of a double double negative I’m sure you could get
    something positive out of that.” – Stuart Bruce

  • “On the contrary, I am not picking my nose, I am performing a boogerectomy.” – Unknown
  • “Not all those who wander are lost (J R R Tolkien)”

  • Do pilots take crash-courses?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why do they call it ‘chilli’ if it’s hot?
  • Does killing time damage eternity?
  • Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
  • How do you get off a non-stop flight?
  • How can there be self-help “groups”?
  • Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
  • Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
  • Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
  • If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
  • How many weeks are there in a light year?
  • Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
  • How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  • How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
  • Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
  • Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
  • Does that screwdriver really belong to Philip?
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
  • Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  • Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  • Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  • If cats and dogs didn’t have fur, would we still pet them?
  • Do people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘up over’?
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
  • If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
  • If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  • If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
  • If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
  • Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
  • If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
  • If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
  • Day light savings time. Why are they saving it, and where do they keep it?
  • Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?
  • If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
  • If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday”?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Comments are closed, but trackbacks and pingbacks are open.