Tom Fotherby’s Blog

Hundreds of Short Quotes

Typo’s aren’t my biggest problem - Thinko’s are.
Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp, Guns aren’t lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful, You might as well live.
As I was going up the stair, I met a man who wasn’t there. He wasn’t there again today. I wish, I wish he’d stay away.
See the happy moron, He doesn’t give a damn. I wish I were a moron, My God! Perhaps I am!
I have something to say, it’s better to die young, than to fade away. — Highlander
Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die. — C.S. Lewis
I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff.
Let your day be neither manic nor volcanic.
Remember to keep your feet on the ground or you will fall over — William Dawson
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
Attitude is infectious… Is yours worth catching?
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Linux is like a wigwam. No Windows, no Gates and Apache inside!
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Death and Taxes
“Go Home and be a Family Man!” Guile, Street Fighter 2
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
Even if a man chops off your hand with a sword, you still have two nice, sharp bones to stick in his eyes
“In theory, theory is the same as practice, but not in practice.” Fnord Bj�rnberger
“I’ve spent loads on booze and women, and I frittered the rest away”. (Ian Todd).
It’s like this; even samurai have teddy bears, and even teddy bears get drunk.
I did take a gap-year but I failed and re-sat (Ian Todd).
“This is the sort of English up with which I will not put”. (Winston Churchill)
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t …
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Gravity is a myth, the earth sucks!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
There is no failure except in no longer trying.
Think you can, think you can’t - either way you’re right.
Practice Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty.
Focus on the goal not the obstacles
Encourage the genius in everyone you meet.
If one is lucky, a single fantasy can totally transform a million realities.
All mans’ troubles arise from his inability to sit quietly alone.
Humour is mankinds’ greatest blessing.
Nothing is worth more than this day.
It’s a thinking universe.
There’s a lot to be said for breathing.
Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler. — Albert Einstein
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed…
If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!
Women libbers are ok. I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn’t ordered.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman… — Woody Allen
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it. — Clarence Darrow
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else. — Bruce Cockburn
Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.
God is real, unless declared as an integer.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it’s 100% fatal.
Camouflage condoms: So they won’t see you coming.
The meek shall inherit the earth—they are too weak to refuse.
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired. — R. Geis
Hindsight is an exact science.
That must be wonderful! I don’t understand it at all.
One planet is all you get.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Be different: Conform.
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
There’s no future in time travel.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn’t ordered.
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they AREN’T after you.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Omit needless words. — Strunk and White
It was as small as the hope in a dead man’s eyes.
An armed society is a polite society.
I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way. — Jessica Rabbit
“How do you feel? “I don’t understand the question.
Unix: When you can’t afford the very best.
I only changed one line and it was a comment…
Eunichs: The operating system for real men.
Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
No matter where you go, there you are.
When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe. Now that isn’t enough.
Fools! Idiots! Don’t they realize that they are dealing with forces beyond comprehension!
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is a frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
If it ain’t fixed, don’t broke it!
Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.
When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn’t know you meant sloth.
This is MY universe and I’m SICK of people BARGING IN!
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.
Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
An Apple-a-day takes my credit card away.
Chief weapons of UNIX: Fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency.
Are you ABNORMAL? Then you are probably better than most people
A day without sunshine is like night.
College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.
IBM: It may be slow, but it’s hard to use.
Photons have mass? I didn’t know they were catholic!
Walt Disney is not dead. He’s in suspended animation.
The use of ‘goto’ statements is discouraged, especially with the label HELL:
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
I haven’t lost my mind; I’m sure it’s backed up on tape somewhere!
Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
Better to Trade Knowledge than Something of Value.
[Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
Hello! I’m a signature virus. Join in the fun and copy me into yours!
Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.
Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up? Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)
I own my own body, but I share.
Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
Just when you think you’ve finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
Knock. Don’t ring bell.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish you weren’t.
Wanted, Dead or Alive: Schrodinger’s Cat.
San Diego: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have
to have low ceilings for this method to work.
Roses are red / Violets are blue / Some poems rhyme / But this one doesn’t.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
I bought a portable cable TV.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. — H. L. Mencken
Even a mosquito doesn’t get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I won’t have a battle of wits, I’m unarmed.
If P is prime, is P’ prime prime?
Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
The other day I went to the stationery store, but it had moved.
If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Practice safe government—use kingdoms.
Your mother’s so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.
Will your answer to this question be no?
Love is like pi—natural, irrational, and VERY important.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.
Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn’t, they would be married too.
I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was too late.
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
Oh, don’t mind the tree monsters. Their bark is worse than their bite.
“I see!”, said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.
This is a one line proof…if we start sufficiently far to the left.
Inside this fat body there’s a skinny person screaming to get out. I ate her.
“The prince wants your daughter for his wife.” “Well, tell him his wife can’t have her.”
Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin… — The Knights Who So Recently Said “Nee!”
You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people.
Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Don’t knock masturbation—it’s sex with someone I love. — Woody Allen
When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is. — A. Rand
Death: To stop sinning suddenly. — Ellen Hubbard
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is.
In capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, it’s exactly the opposite.
If God didn’t want us to eat animals, then how come he made them out of meat?
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you’re a mile away and you have his shoes.
God is in every man, just as the sacred Pink Invisible Unicorn grazes in every man’s soul, providing compost for new flowers to feed on.
Those of you who think that you know everything are particularly annoying to those of us who do.
I am Homer of the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is irrelevant. Preparation is irrel…MMMmmm…doughnut!
Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Of all victories the first and greatest is for a man to conquer himself.
Happiness is having a chitinous exoskeleton.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. — Griffin’s Thought
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
It’s hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus!
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. — Mark Twain
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” — Kermit the Frog
Of all the people I know, you’re one of them.
Wisdom and beauty form a very rare combination
The wise learn many things from their enemies.
The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living from the dead.
I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.
A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
You can observe a lot by watching.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum — “I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.”
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the fool their lack of understanding.
Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.
Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves.
The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.
I will tell you the truth as soon as I figure it out.
Knowledge and belief are two separate tracks that run parallel to each other and never meet, except in the child.
To use a method is to compare the realm of mind to a stool. The true thinker walks freely.
I was educated once, and it took me years to get over it.
In order to keep an open mind, I am trying to avoid learning anything.
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
Today’s children are required to learn what most people in former times were forbidden to know.
Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave.
Good judgement comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgement.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
It costs to be stupid. The stupider you are, the more it costs.
A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword.
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life.
A man lives by believing in something, not by debating and arguing about many things.
Any fool can criticise, condemn, and complain — and most fools do.
Education is the period during which you are being instructed by somebody you do not know, about something you do not want to know.
The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it.
If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there’s a finite number of idiots.
Style is an easy way of saying complicated things.
You are only as wise as others perceive you to be.
When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
A man who has committed a mistake and doesn’t correct it, is committing another mistake.
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
To know is to know that you know nothing. That is the meaning of true knowledge.
Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
Learning is the evolution of the mind.
Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow.
Never stop learning; knowledge doubles every fourteen months.
If you never change your mind, why have one?
Education is a progressive discovery of our ignorance.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior.
People only see what they are prepared to see.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
The wise through excess of wisdom is made a fool.
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.
In a philosophical dispute, he gains most who is defeated, since he learns most.
Do two wrongs make a right? Yes. The right to be wrong.
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed…
If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!
Women libbers are ok. I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn’t ordered.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman… — Woody Allen
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it. — Clarence Darrow
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else. — Bruce Cockburn
Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.
God is real, unless declared as an integer.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it’s 100% fatal.
Camouflage condoms: So they won’t see you coming.
The meek shall inherit the earth—they are too weak to refuse.
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired. — R. Geis
That must be wonderful! I don’t understand it at all.
One planet is all you get.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Be different: Conform.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.
Acid: Better living through chemistry.
There’s no future in time travel.
Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!
Don’t feed the bats tonight.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so! — Ford Prefect
I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way. — Jessica Rabbit
Computer: “How do you feel?” Spock: “I don’t understand the question.”
The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was involved’ - the pig was ‘committed’.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
if i promise to miss you ,will u please go away.
If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
I think I exist, therefore i exist- I think.
Don’t even think about mooning a werewolf!
If you want to find low interest rates, pop into a lecture.
Wasting time doesn’t make difference to eternity.
A man is a God in ruins.
A man is a little soul carrying around a corpse.
Don’t waist your youth growing up.
Everybody laughs in the same language.
Even though it’s hard, it’s easy.
Money is round and rolls away.
There’s a bit of God in Everything!
Just because you haven’t seen a white blackbird doesn’t mean one doesn’t exist.
If I were a haircut, People would wear a hat!
Spring is nature’s way of saying “Lets Party”
The future has a way of arriving unannounced!
Life, Relevance, Friends
Modern art is a matter of not understanding what can’t be understood.
Perfection is a myth!
Death is but a sleep. But it’s harder to get up in the morning!
My middle name is luck. It’s a pity my first name is bad!
The Earth has Music for those who listen
Every man stands on the rich earth impaled by a ray of sunlight.
Wasting time doesn’t make a difference to eternity!
A man is a God in ruins!
Don’t waste your youth growing up.
Even though it’s hard, it’s easy.
Everybody laughs in the same language.
Genius is seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one has thought. —(Albert Szent-Gyorgy)
The urge to destroy is a creative urge!
The only things you regret in life are the risks you didn’t take
Mistakes are human. Some humans are mistakes. (Rodrigo)
Everyone’s so nice, well except when their being horrible
WELL HELL
Thank god for the Atlantic ocean!
University is when you get excited when mum says she’ll give you a lovely juicy joint for Sunday lunch.
There are never any shortcuts to a place worth going.
Some jobs worth doing aren’t worth doing well.
The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn
The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
Knowing is a barrier to learning.
If it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all.
Bar-Humbug said the hum when introducing the bar to the bug.
Money makes the world go round; Loves spins it the right way.
I flew 142 missions, got shot down in every one of them.
I’m only happy when it rains. Pour your misery down.
Hack the planet
We like girls because they’ve all got so much in common.
The meaning of life is to find the meaning of life.
When I was young and said I wanted to be a comedian people laughed at me. But look whose laughing now.
There are no such things as strangers only friends that we have not yet met.
Nuke a gay whale for Christ.
I’m sure I take rowing too seriously by many peoples standard; but they are not rowing people.
When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
Everyone stands on the heart of the earth impaled by a ray of sunlight and suddenly it’s evening.
There’s nothing wrong with building dream castles as long as you don’t live in them.
A man is a little soul carrying around a corpse.
If you say my eyes are beautiful that’s because there looking at you.
You can trust Americans to do the right thing, after they have tried every other alternative (Winston Churchill).
Who cares if I’m fat, my body just carries my brain and my brain deserves a comfortable ride.
Make a cake, Plant a plant, get drunk
Only losers use drugs. Only users lose drugs.
Paint a little pig.
Money is round and rolls away.
Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree.
I am alpha and omega, I am the beginning and the end, I am the first and the last.
I don’t get wet I grow said the drip.
Summer is a moving creature which likes to go south for winter.
How now brown cow?
Hey, lighten up man. You calling me fat?
“Liberals, intellectuals, peace mongers, idiots” — Mars Attacks
“Got an alarm, don’t eat pork. I’m a better man.” — Mars Attacks
“Nuke ‘em now sir” — Mars Attacks
“They blew up congress, ha ha” — Mars Attacks
“We have to strike now sir, annhilate, Kill, Kill, Kill” — Mars Attacks
“We don’t care cos we’ve got these shoes and this hat.” — Kiniky
The greatest trick the devil played was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
Mind over matter, if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Sure, God created man before women but you always make a draft before the final masterpiece.
I don’t suffer from stress, I’m a carrier.
Your so vain you probably think this song is about you.
I love you from the heart of my bottom.
Are you a cunning linguist?
My stomach feels like my throat has been cut.
I don’t do eating (Ally Mcbeal)
We are out there, We control the information, We are the Knights of the internet, We are Hackers.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don’t care who gets the credit.
No matter where you go, there you are. — Buckaroo Banzai.
Isn’t fun like the best thing to have ever? — Arthur
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
A day without sunshine is like night.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears, but only twice as many ears as noses.
You can’t win. You can’t break even. You can’t even quit the game.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
If you hear an onion ring, answer it.
Women: Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ‘em…
[Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Someone put live piranha in our swimming pool. If we don’t swim there anymore, the piranha will starve.
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
PALINDROME spelled backwards is EMORDNILAP.
Introducing “lite”, the new way to spell “light”, with 20% fewer letters!
I own my own body, but I share.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill.
“Years wrinkle the face, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.” –Watterson Lowe
“I just hate health food.” –Julia Child
“Seeing is deceiving. It’s eating that’s believing.” –James Thurber
“Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.” –Rudyard Kipling
“do it now. There may be a law against it tomorrow.” –Laurence Peter
“Life is always at some turning point.” –Irwin Edman
“Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.” –attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
“Adventure is worthwhile in itself.” –Amelia Earhart
“Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” –Condorcet
“Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around.” –David Lodge
“Never have children, only grandchildren.” –Gore Vidal
“Worry is as useless as a handle on a snowball.” –Mitzi Chandler
“The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.” –H. G. Wells
“Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.” –Arabian proverb
“Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.” –Lillian Ross
“It is now, and in this world, that we must live.” –Andre Gide
“I think, what has this day brought me, and what have I given it?” –Henry Moore
“It is enough that I am of value to somebody today.” –Hugh Prather
“It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to- day basis.” –Margaret Bonnano
“I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
“In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion…” –Albert Camus
“Take away leisure and Cupid’s bow is broken.” –Ovid
“For a thing to remain undone nothing more is needed than to think of it done.” –Gracian
“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one.” –Elbert Hubbard
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” –John F. Kennedy
“A man’s worth is no greater than his ambitions.” –Marcus Aurelius
“Happiness is composed of misfortunes avoided.” –Alphonse Karr
“A man should always consider… how much more unhappy he might be than he is.” –Joseph Addison
“Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.” –Irving Berlin
“Knock the ‘t’ off the ‘can’t'” –George Reeves
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” –George Eliot
“Sainthood is acceptable only in saints.” –Pamela Hansford Johnson
“The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.” –Ellen Glasgow
“There seemed to be endless obstacles . . . it seemed that the root cause of them all was fear.” –Joanna Field
“Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that ideas is not quite clear to him.” –Paul Eldridge
“Learn what you are and be such.” –Pindar
“If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.” –Goethe
“If you deny yourself commitment, what can you do with your life?” –Harvey Fierstein
“From a fallen tree, make kindling.”–Spanish proverb
Some pursue happiness ? others create it.
“Fools look to tomorrow; wise men use tonight.” –Scottish proverb
A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
“Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting.” –Christopher Morely
“The only problems money can solve are money problems.” –Laurence Peter
“Money costs too much.” –Ross McDonald
“Walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, sleep soundly.” –William Hazlitt
“It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.” –Brigitte Bardot
“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” –Bill Cosby
“That money talks / I’ll not deny, / I heard it once: / It said, ‘Goodbye.’ “–Richard Armour
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don’t exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
“This isn’t fat, it’s muscle waiting to happen”.
“Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts.” –Coleman Cox
“When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.” –Louis Nizer
“Using chopsticks rather than cutlery, is like using vi as a text editor” –Ed Avis
Earth my body, water my blood, air my breath, fire my spirit
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
If you were a burger at McDonalds, I’d call you McBeautiful.
My beds broken, can I sleep in yours?
Can I have a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.
“This is a breakthrough for Art - I think” — H.G. Nelson
“You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.”
Poverty stole your golden shoes / It didn’t steal your laughter
Why reinvent the wheel? Because we can make it rounder…
It’s a moo point. Like a cow’s opinion. It just doesn’t matter. It’s moo.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your copy of Windows
Born Again Pagan
Jesus, protect me from your followers!
It’s not the heat, it’s the humanity
All things in moderation - especially moderation.
Truth, justice and — other stuff
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
The instructions said to use Windows 98 or better - so I installed FreeBSD.
“I have an inferiority complex, but it isn’t a very good one.”
“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away” pkd
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Whatever doesn’t kill me can still bloody hurt.
I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
Baby carrots - vegetarian veal
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once…
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Those who live by the sword get shot.
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Welcome to Hell! Here’s your copy of Windows.
“My Lord, I have a cunning plan.”
Old hitchhikers never die-they just throw in the towel.
42? 7 and a half million years and all you can come up with is 42?!
When elephants fight it is the grass that suffers.
A friend’s eye is a good mirror.
Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.
The reverse side also has a reverse side.
A dry sense of humour is better than slobbering everywhere.
Lottery: A tax on people who don’t understand statistics.
“Calm down. It’s only ones and zeros.”
Computers can never replace human stupidity
Experience: What you get when you don’t get what you want
This message may contain nuts.
You’re unique - just like everyone else
it is because giants were standing on my shoulders
Think bigger - you can’t cross a chasm in two jumps.
You can call it a wizard once it can do bloody magic!
You’re not drunk if you can lie flat on the floor without holding on
We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it
Never laugh at live dragons
Gravity: It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten.
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
Gates’ Law: The speed of software halves every eighteen months
I’m gonna live forever, or die trying.
An eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind.
I love deadlines. I love the swooshing sound they make as they fly by
Bright and Early - choose one
OK, I’m weird, but I’m saving up to be eccentric.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
This message has been cruelly tested on cute little furry animals.
Write once, debug everywhere
I’m not as thunk as you drink I am
Alcohol - it’s in the blood
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Never judge a man by his taglines.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Veni, Vidi, Deja Vu: I came, I saw, I’d been there before.
Overweight is when you step on your dog’s tail, and it dies.
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
Ghandi would have smacked you in the head.
Windows is a colorful clown suit for DOS.
THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.
There ain’t no party like an IC party.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never eat a hedgehog without peeling it first.
I don’t have a drink problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall over. No problem.
The early worm gets the bird.
Reality: A disease caused by alcohol deficiency.
It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.
“My homework ate my dog.” - Genetics student.
Love thy neighbour, but don’t get caught.
100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.
All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
You’ll never be half the man your mother was.
Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
“Oh, bother!” said Pooh as Piglet fell in the mincer.
“The chance of death improves all sports.” - Kevin Tarr
“Something was wrong with my rice crispies the other day. i distinctly heard ‘ snap ‘ ‘crackle ‘ ‘ fuck you ‘ ”
“Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.”
“I once tried to fly. It hurt.” - Kie
“No, really I don’t harm animals - but then again this is a
poodle.” - Don Sterner
“harder than seeing a UFO piloted by Elvis crashing into the Loch Ness
Monster” - Neil Barker
“You can’t break the laws of physics so you might as well drink
beer.” - Danny Sichel
“Which, in your opinion, is the greater handicap? Being blond, or
being deaf?” - Pizzadrivr
“Anything is possible in a 6-book trilogy.” - Greg Pacek
“when a woman shows you her middle finger then it does *not* mean she wants to marry you.” - Tilman Hausherr
“By clever use of a double double negative I’m sure you could get
something positive out of that.” - Stuart Bruce
“On the contrary, I am not picking my nose, I am performing a boogerectomy.” - Unknown

Do pilots take crash-courses?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why do they call it ‘chilli’ if it’s hot?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How can there be self-help “groups”?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
Does that screwdriver really belong to Philip?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
If cats and dogs didn’t have fur, would we still pet them?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘up over’?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
Day light savings time. Why are they saving it, and where do they keep it?
Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Hundreds of Short Quotes

Search

Categories

Links

Meta